Possibilities: Exile and Atton

Ju’lis stood stock still in Kreia’s room, the feelings, vibes and auras of the other sentients on board filling the empty space inside her. Under Kreia’s careful tutelage, her lost connection to the Force was reforming. It was odd, though; instead of reaching out around her and pulling the Force through herself, as she’d always done, now she was reaching into the dark maw of her lost Force ability and drawing the power out of…something. She didn’t know what. Kreia knew something she wasn’t telling her, but that was a conversation for another time. For now she reveled in the mind chatter of her companions. Ju’lis had thought she would never be able to touch another’s mind again, and here were several open minds waiting for her to caress. She needed these connections, this friendship; after so long in exile, she hungered for love and acceptance.

Visas mind was strange; scarred, sad and lost, yet with renewing purpose. The ashes of her homeworld swirled around her feet wherever she walked, no matter what part of space they traveled. Exiting her heart and traveling through the walls of the ship to Ju’lis’s own heart was a thick silver bond of loyalty. Ju’lis didn’t think she’d earned it, but it was there all the same.

Bao-Dur’s mind was sharp and intelligent, but it had a gentleness to it that echoed in his voice. His ghostly silver bond was as thick and glowing as Visas’, though his bond was not one of loyalty, but obedience. Ju’lis didn’t understand any of this. No longer a General, Bao-Dur had no need to obey her. Yet, his mind answered the call of her own, willingly.

Reaching out even further, Ju’lis hovered above the mind of Atton. She hesitated to actually listen to his thoughts. She was afraid that what she would hear there would be a bit painful. What if he had no bond to her? Against everything she’d been taught, Ju’lis had allowed herself to fall, slowly, for Atton. Everything about him went against her better sense. There was a dark aura to him that confused her. He was dangerous, and by all appearances, careless, lustful and lazy. But Ju’lis wondered if that was truly who he was. There were many times her expert pilot had shown glimpses of another Atton, carefully buried beneath his scruffy exterior.

Feeling Kreia’s impatience through the Force, Ju’lis finally entered Atton’s mind, gently. Mentally, it was a tight squeeze. There were so many Pazaak cards laid out in here, there was no room for rational thought. As Ju’lis tried to push past them, the image changed and she could hear the soft hum of a perfectly tuned hyperdrive. She pushed again, and an image of herself entering the detention cell on Peragus popped into the small space. Ju’lis flushed pink when she realized that instead of the more modest jumpsuit she’d actually been wearing, Atton’s image of her was in Vogga’s dancing dress, smiling shyly and looking at him from under her eyelashes. And instead of her hair up in it’s meticulous coiled braid, it had fallen softly all around her shoulders, golden and glowing in some strange light from above her head.

Ju’lis pulled quickly out of Atton’s mind and hoped Kreia had not been in there, too. One look at the old woman’s face told her she’d seen it all. Trying to shake the image out of her mind, she asked Kreia, “Why does Atton play Pazaak in his head?”

“He also recites hyperspace coordinates, counts the tickings in the power couplings, and imagines…indignities,” Kreia said, unhelpfully.

Ju’lis sighed. She felt guilty for having continued the lesson without asking the other crew members’ permission, and so she excused herself and headed for the cockpit to apologize to Atton for intruding.

She stopped when she got there, unconsciously pulling her deep brown Ossus robe close around her as she watched the back of Atton’s head. Ju’lis wanted something more with Atton, but she was definitely sure what she wanted did not involve Vogga’s dancing dress. At least, not right away. She didn’t know where to start this conversation. In fact, Ju’lis was unsure what conversation she actually wanted to have with Atton.

“Atton?” Ju’lis began tentatively, not moving from her postion in the doorway of the cockpit.

“Somethin’ up?” he asked, not turning away from the console he was poking at. They began all their conversations this way, he had no way of knowing this wasn’t about some triviality.

Ju’lis decided to be direct with her apology, and see where it went after that. She moved up closer to him, sitting on the center console and dangling her feet. “I just had a lesson in mind-reading with Kreia. I wanted you to know, I looked inside your mind. I’m sorry for doing so without your consent.”

Atton stood up, facing her, and put a foot up on the pilot’s seat casually. “Of course you did. All Jedi do that. Of course, no one’s ever apologized for it before. That’s a new house rule.” Atton did not let it show in his face, but he was more than a little surprised at her words. In his past experience with Jedi, light or dark, using Force powers did not involve permission, or manners. He was also surprised he hadn’t felt her there. When Kreia had forced her way into his mind, it had actually hurt, and not a little.

Ju’lis was aware he was studying her, and phrased her next question carefully. “Why do you play pazaak in your head?”

Atton shrugged. “I also recite hyperdrive coordinates and count the tickings in the power couplings. Among…other things.” His cheeks turned pink, and Ju’lis knew without looking exactly what he was thinking. She hoped her own cheeks didn’t match.

“It makes your mind seem awfully small,” Ju’lis said bluntly. “I know there must be more in there than that.”

“Yeah, so I play pazaak in my head, but while I’m doin’ that, it makes it harder for someone to intrude into the important parts of my mind,” Atton explained.

Ju’lis nodded, and asked, “So, can you teach me to shield my thoughts like that?” It seemed to be quite a useful trick.

Atton looked at her pointedly and said, “No, I can only teach you to play pazaak.” His tone was patient.

Understanding dawned on her, and Ju’lis replied, “So, teach me to play pazaak.” Shaking her finger at him, she added, “No Nar Shadda rules.”

Atton laughed, grateful her scolding wasn’t any worse. He knew he’d been caught, before. “I’ll deal.”

Ju’lis struggled with the mental addition and subtraction in playing the game, but after a couple of tries, she had it.

“Good game,” Atton said. “Now, what are you thinking about?”

Ju’lis examined her thoughts and realized, “Hey, I’m still adding and subtracting up to twenty.”

Atton gave her a grin. “Exactly!”

Unthinking, Ju’lis reached out and hugged Atton in her excitment at having gotten it right. He was warm, and smelled clean and inviting. Atton looked down at her in wonder, not sure of what to do. Finally, he put his arms around her briefly. Then he broke away, awkwardly backing up the short distance allowed in the small cockpit space.

Speaking to her more tenderly than he’d ever dared before, Atton concluded his lesson. “So if you’re ever fighting someone with the power over your mind, play pazaak. When they try to use their powers on you, it’s not as easy as they thought. Because you’ll be here with me, playing pazaak, where they can’t reach you.” Even though they were no longer touching, her eyes never left his, and she thought she got a glimpse of the Atton that was usually hidden.

Touched, Ju’lis reached out and squeezed his hand. “Thank you, Atton. I feel much safer, knowing someone can’t just walk in on my private thoughts.” Which are often of you, Atton Rand, she didn’t add aloud. Just what makes you tick?

More than anything, Atton wanted Ju’lis to like him. He had had some driving need to protect her and help her since Peragus, a need that went beyond Kreia’s imagined hold on him. There was something vulnerable and innocent about her, despite her strength, skills and experience. He’d never felt this way about someone; it was a little unsettling. As much as Atton wanted to keep Ju’lis in his life, there was a lot about him she didn’t know. She deserved someone without such a…tortured past. How was he going to keep her at arms length, when her callused thumb was caressing the back of his hand, sending tingles up his spine?

Ju’lis was surprised to see uncertainty cross Atton’s face. Normally, he was so cocky and sure of himself, like he had all the answers in the universe. The longer they stood there together, the more Ju’lis was sure there was more to Atton Rand than met the eye. Reaching out with the Force, softly and slowly, she mentally knocked at the door of his thoughts. Not barging in like Kreia had showed her, but with a gentle query. With her outside ears, Ju’lis heard Atton’s sharp intake of breath, and felt him stiffen slightly next to her.

Certain he was going to keep her out, she began to pull away.

She stopped when he opened his mind to her. Atton didn’t let her all the way in; Ju’lis was unsurprised to see there were dark places and locked doors. Still, there was more here than she’d initially seen. Ju’lis learned a lot about Atton in those few moments, but most important to her, she found the silvery bond she’d so longed to see. It shone, brighter than Visa’s, brighter than Bao-Dur’s, brighter even than Kreia’s. Most surprisingly, Atton’s bond to her was a bond of respect and deep affection. Sliding out of Atton’s mind carefully, Ju’lis opened her eyes and looked up at Atton. He was staring at her in awe.

“Thank you for letting me in,” she said quietly. She touched his cheek gently, amazed that there was so much hidden deep inside this man. Maybe someday, he would let her all the way in, and she could bring light to those dark places in his soul.

Atton cleared his throat. “I’ve never— I’ve never let anyone in voluntarily. I didn’t know someone could be so gentle.” Realizing they were still holding hands, he squeezed hers a little. “I’m sorry for what you saw, the first time. I want you to know I don’t really think of you that way. All of that just keeps others out.” He shrugged, embarrassed.

“I understand, Atton.” Ju’lis smiled mischieviously. “At least it was an image of me, and not one of the other girls on board.”

“Ha ha, Ju’lis,” Atton replied, rolling his eyes. The tender moment was over, for now, and Atton slipped his cocksure facade back into place. After what they’d just shared, though, Atton wasn’t sure he wanted to keep Ju’lis at arm’s length any more. If he could find a way to explain his past, show her he was changing for the better, maybe she could help him. Force knew he needed the support. It was something to think about.

“I’d better go get some sleep. I’m on watch in a few hours,” Ju’lis said, yawning. Hesitantly, she leaned in and kissed Atton’s cheek before walking out of the cockpit.

Atton sat down again, leaning back in his pilot’s seat with his arms folded across his chest. Her kiss had left a boyish grin plastered across his face. He had a lot to think about, indeed.